big girls don't cry

On Saturday, March 29, 1986, I got married.

Today my divorce became final.

I'm not really sure how I feel right now. A part of me, a big part of me, is very happy. A process I was forced to start some four years ago has finally come to fruition. I can't say it was painful; I can say it was long and frustrating and expensive. Nevertheless, ever since my lawyer notified me 31 days ago I've been really excited and happy to plan the Big D party coming up later this week. I am finally free and life is good: so says my Facebook status.

So why do I feel so sad? Why the nostalgia?

Over the years, usually after some major blow-up, I would occasionally think the big "D" word, and, pretty much without fail, I would cry when it crossed my lips. I could not say the word "divorce" (as it applied to me, not other people's) without an emotional melt-down. It scared me. Yes, the word scared me. The idea of getting a divorce from the one I called my "soul-mate" scared me to death. I just didn't see how it could be possible to walk away from everything we had, no matter how painful the occasional spat. We could always work it out, right? Right?

My world shattered one sunny day in August of 2004. No, it didn't shatter: it WAS shattered, sneakily, deliberately, and most painfully. "Being hit by a bus" took on a whole new meaning to me that day. But I made it through. I grew stronger. I found myself again. 18 months later I took the first steps towards the end, the Big D. I didn't cry then. And I won't cry today either. But I still feel an incredible sadness I didn't think I could feel again: a sadness for what once was and maybe what could have been again. I don't want to go back, don't get me wrong. It is, however, extremely sad to put aside 28 years of my life and say it never happened.

I will celebrate on Sunday, surrounded by my friends and family. My two wonderful children will be by my side and we will laugh and eat and drink and laugh some more. The cake will be awesome. In a few weeks I will repeat the event with my friends and family in Vancouver. And life will be good. Life is good. I am in control of my life and I like it. The sadness will wash away any moment now. I know it will.