big girls don't cry

On Saturday, March 29, 1986, I got married.

Today my divorce became final.

I'm not really sure how I feel right now. A part of me, a big part of me, is very happy. A process I was forced to start some four years ago has finally come to fruition. I can't say it was painful; I can say it was long and frustrating and expensive. Nevertheless, ever since my lawyer notified me 31 days ago I've been really excited and happy to plan the Big D party coming up later this week. I am finally free and life is good: so says my Facebook status.

So why do I feel so sad? Why the nostalgia?

Over the years, usually after some major blow-up, I would occasionally think the big "D" word, and, pretty much without fail, I would cry when it crossed my lips. I could not say the word "divorce" (as it applied to me, not other people's) without an emotional melt-down. It scared me. Yes, the word scared me. The idea of getting a divorce from the one I called my "soul-mate" scared me to death. I just didn't see how it could be possible to walk away from everything we had, no matter how painful the occasional spat. We could always work it out, right? Right?

My world shattered one sunny day in August of 2004. No, it didn't shatter: it WAS shattered, sneakily, deliberately, and most painfully. "Being hit by a bus" took on a whole new meaning to me that day. But I made it through. I grew stronger. I found myself again. 18 months later I took the first steps towards the end, the Big D. I didn't cry then. And I won't cry today either. But I still feel an incredible sadness I didn't think I could feel again: a sadness for what once was and maybe what could have been again. I don't want to go back, don't get me wrong. It is, however, extremely sad to put aside 28 years of my life and say it never happened.

I will celebrate on Sunday, surrounded by my friends and family. My two wonderful children will be by my side and we will laugh and eat and drink and laugh some more. The cake will be awesome. In a few weeks I will repeat the event with my friends and family in Vancouver. And life will be good. Life is good. I am in control of my life and I like it. The sadness will wash away any moment now. I know it will.

forgiveness and irony

I've been very busy lately reading various articles, blogs, and commentary that relate to various heady topics. Instead of desperately trying to massage my thoughts into coherent prose, I have decided to share some of those with you. Feel free to ignore them but I do hope you will find them, if nothing else, thought-provoking.

Forgiveness and Irony

TV Show of the Day: Life

highway robbery

I have a question. It's a very pertinent one, but I really don't expect anyone to enlighten me. Is there any reasonable explanation why the gas stations show a price of 99.9 cents per litre today? 99.9! When oil prices have been around $37/barrel for the last week at least? I'm pretty sure there hasn't been a new tax introduced in the last 24 hours. Then why? Why are we being gouged and why isn't everyone up in arms about it? Am I the only one who notices this? Are we all so bloody Canadian that we'll pay and pay and pay without barely a whimper? How sad are we?

Of course I'm double pissed at this because my tank is getting low and Murphy is totally laughing at me. I hate Murphy almost as much as I hate these gas prices.

Song of the Day: Drive My Car, The Beatles

in other words

I love it and I hate it at the same time. I love the fact that someone other than me thinks the way I do. It comforts me to know that there are others with the same ideas; that I don't exist in a vacuum, at least intellectually speaking. What I hate is when they say it better than I could :p

Here it is:

I'm sick to death of the media perpetuating the notion that there is still a legitimate debate ongoing concerning the veracity of evolution. There simply isn't. What there is, however, is the obstinate, stubborn refusal of religious wish-thinkers to accept reality.

There can be no detente with those who refuse to live in a reality-based world. They need to be bludgeoned repeatedly and mercilessly with the overwhelming mountain of facts and evidence supporting evolution until they finally relinquish their death grip on the baseless fairy tales which our ignorant ancestors created to explain a dangerous and indifferent world about which they knew next to nothing.

The unfounded beliefs and ridiculous taboos of the religious have impeded humanity far too long and have been directly responsible for untold human misery, suffering and death throughout the ages. Enough is enough. Religion and its adherents need to go the way of the dodo.

"God did it." is not an answer - it's a cop-out and a pretext for willful ignorance.

I didn't say this but I sure wish I had. I've been writing a blog about this in my head for weeks now and I know that if I had finally managed to get my thoughts down it would have taken eight long paragraphs and multiple ellipsis (what's the plural of "ellipsis"? "ellipsises"? That just looks so wrong). I really need to learn how to write more succinctly. Oh well, it's a wish that will probably be never fulfilled.

On the other hand, my wish that reason triumphs over superstition may well be granted one day, judging by the rising voices of those who share my stance. I just hope it happens soon.

Dose of Reason of the Day: Tim Minchin's comedy

moving pictures

The 2009 Victoria Film Festival was only the second such event I had ever attended. Last year I saw four flicks; this year I went all out and saw ten! Yes, ten. That's a lot of movies for seven days. You can say I'm exhausted, especially since I've been fighting this weird cold-like thing that makes me feel schizo most of the time. But this isn't about my health; this post is about movies. Here we go (in order of screenings):
1. Apology of an Economic Hitman. This is a documentary about corporate influence in the politics and economics of developing countries and how those corporations benefit from the resources of those countries, resources which should be better used to benefit the people instead. I was worried I would come out of this angry, and I did. At the same time I thought "I should have known." I'm starting to expect this sort of information now. That doesn't make me any less angry, but rather more and more frustrated because I feel so powerless to change anything.
2. Eating Buccaneers. I very much enjoyed this dark comedy about five advertisng people who had crashed their plane in the middle of nowhere in the Canadian wilderness. The humour was wry yet satisfying; the characters parodies yet full of depth. I hope this movie will gain a wider audience, I think it deserves to.
3. The Caller. Frank Langella gives a wonderful performance of an economic hitman who wants to redeem himself with a last act defiance. Whoa! What? Another economic hitman? Yup, but this time it is fiction and it is a thriller, a cat and mouse game with plenty of secrets and twists. Very good.
4. Stone of Destiny. A lovely true tale of the attempt at recovery of the Stone of Destiny by a group of young Scottish students from Westminster Abbey. Beautifully told, well worth a viewing when it comes out in the theatres locally later this month.
5. The Tiger's Tail. This movie is billed as a thriller. I beg to differ. I found it entertaining but not really a thriller. I have to admit I rather enjoyed the evil twin premise not be so evil for a change.
6. Dean Spanley. I'm a big fan of Peter O'Toole and boy did he live up to my expectations. I don't think there is anyone who can plan the old curmudgeon better. This is a whimsical story set in Edwardian England at a time when the upper crust had time for lofty pursuits and journeys into the occult. In this particular indulgence, past lives are explored ... past lives which will leave you wondering just what's in that drink.
7. On Thousand Journals. This documentary tells the story of Someguy, a San Francisco graphic designer, who sent forth into parts unknown 1000 empty journals asking whoever found them to use their creativity and fill them out. The movie traced the journey of some of them - many, unfortunately, have been lost - and documents how they touched the lives of so many people all around the globe. Seeing this has definitely encouraged me to start one too. In the meantime, Esther has began one as part of the 1001 Journals project and I'm definitely going to participate in it.
8. Flame & Citron. I'm generally not a fan of war movies but I did enjoy this one very much. It tells the story of two resistance fighters in WWII Denmark. The interesting thing about these two was the fact that they were assassins rather than your typical members of the underground. Instead of bombing trains or bridges these two would go and put a bullet through the heads of German collaborators, spies, or officials. And then they would meet their compatriots in the same bar the Germans frequented. A very good film and a true story to boot.
9. Mothers & Daughters. The hilarious, the ridiculous, and the complicated dynamics of the mother/daughter bond permeate this new Canadian film. Three mother/daughter pairs offer sparkling insight into the needs, the denials, and the inescapable love that these women do battle with every day. I think I shed a tear in this one. No, I'm pretty sure I did. OK, I have a soft spot for this whole mother/daughter thing. So bite me.
10. JCVD. A most interesting attempt to revive one's fledgling acting career: make a movie about yourself. Jean Claude Van Damme does a great job doing just that. The man synonymous with action movies puts himself out there, not as an action star but rather as a man who has been someone and lost it all. He doesn't pull punches and comes across very believable. It must not have been easy to do.
11. My Son the Pornographer. OK, I didn't see this one in the theatre, even though it was shown as part of the festival. A few days after the end of the festival this documentary was shown on CBC Newsworld. So I got to see a bonus movie.

Of all the movies I saw, I think I liked JCVD the least and yet I liked it quite a bit. This means I made very good choices with all of them. My favourite was definitely Stone of Destiny with Eating Buccaneers a very close second. I can't wait for next year's festival! :)

teeny boppers

I am very lucky to have some wonderful teenagers in my life right now. I remember when I was thinking about having kids one day, it wasn't babyhood that scared me shitless, it was the fact that those cute little babies were going to, one day, turn into teens. And then what?

And then they did. And I love them and I think they're the best creatures ever, and how could I ever think that babies were better ... But no matter how I try, I can't seem to shield my teens from some of the negatives associated with that age. It pains me to see them in pain: emotional, hormonal, and sometimes even physical. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do to prevent the ups and downs, all I can do is maybe lessen their impact. Being a teenager sucks. Sometimes it sucks a lot; sometimes it sucks a bit. The best I can offer my teens is to tell them that it will get better, and if not necessarily better then maybe different. Being an adult isn't all that much fun either. I think we just get better at coping. So ... I'm on a mission to provide the best coping skills to those teens I love. Wish me luck.

Dish of the Day: Beef Bourguignon

will they never learn?

I'm not a fan of reality shows. As a matter of fact, I think they are a cheap way to fill the airwaves (or rather the cables); it seems to be the preferred way these days, however. After all, who wants to pay for (occasionally) intelligent writing, sets, actors ... it's so much easier to stick a few cameras in already existing locales, with people who are more than willing to surrender their privacy and, if many cases, their dignity for their 15 minutes of fame. Oh, how sad.

And yet ... (you must have known this was coming) ... there is an occasional glimpse into the minutia of life that is, if anything, educational. I'm speaking of the CBC show "The Week the Women Went, Season 2". I've seen two episodes so far and each time I was left speechless. Yes, speechless. Actually, no. They had me yelling at the TV and those stupid men who were left to fend for themselves for a whole week! I realise that they pick towns which have an unusually high proportion of über-men already present, but please ... this can't possibly be for real! Unfortunately, it is. And these men pretend to deal with their womenfolk being away by making light of anything and everything in the female realm. Children? No problem. Let's pack them and take along to the work site; heavy equipment and other vehicles posing a risk? Nah, there are plenty of people around more than happy enough to save my brats when I get bored. And when all else fails, make the young girls who were left behind to tend to their little brothers and sisters. After all, they're female so they must know what to do. I especially "enjoyed" the segment about a man whose roof is leaking and has been leaking for the last two years, but instead of going up there and slapping a couple of shingles down he prefers to sit downstairs in the basement for hours at a time carving ducks. You heard me ... carving ducks. In the meantime, this leak is in the kitchen with water dripping (for two years!) on top of the stove where his poor wife has to deal with it day in and day out. His excuse is that the kitchen is HER domain and he never goes in there so it's just not a priority. Can you believe this man? Oh, but wait. She is now gone and he has to make dinner for the kids. On the stove. Where the water is dripping constantly. NOW it's bloody inconvenient.

I have to be honest here ... I am angry at these men. But I'm almost as angry at the women who have put up with this shit for so long. This isn't something that just started last week. This total disregard for women and their value has been going on for ever. And the fact that these women have allowed themselves to be treated like that is a travesty. Why? Why do we do that? Why do we let men get away with treating us like shit? I really would like to know this. If anyone has any brilliant ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Singer of the Day: Bonnie St Croix